In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Pleased to Meet You.”
Write a post in which the protagonists of two different books or movies meet for the first time. How do they react to each other? Do they get along?
Snow White, a beautiful and charming princess, has been forced to take refuge in a tiny cottage through the woods to hide away from her evil stepmother in fear that she’ll one day brutally murder her. Here, however, Snow White is happy. With her skin as pale as snow, she cooks, cleans, and sings to the birds and animals whilst her seven little men run off to work. Every day, they queue to kiss her on the cheek on their way out, a promising improvement from being murdered, Snow thought, even if she did dread kissing their greasy, gross, and unshaven little fat faces every day. However, she had to pay her board somehow and some of the men even loved her. They float about bashfully, enchanted by her beauty, although some of the others despise all the changes she’s swung around. (Although interestingly, they still queue for their morning kiss!)
Nevertheless, Snow White is quite happy in this little retreat. The cosy cabin in the woods promises her safety and, better yet, she was sure that her true love, Prince Charming, lived nearby. He is sure to come and rescue her once and for all for the real-deal happy ending, (palace included), and it was these thoughts that kept Snow White so cheerful in her dismal new role as a house-slave.
Elsa, however, is the ice queen. Literally. She doesn’t resemble snow, she is snow. She is powerful, strong and liberal. She can shoot ice from her fingertips. She left the kingdom that had imprisoned her and repressed her powers for years and years, to find solace in the mountains where she was FINALLY free and happy. Alas, she was alone in her ice palace of strength and elegance, in the palace that, may I add, she literally built with her own two hands.
Until one day, Elsa looked out of her frosted widow to a cutesy sickening scene. She saw a humble little cottage by a forest over-looking a river, and inside a beautiful young girl with jet black hair. She was waving and kissing goodbye to seven little men, who all nudged and winked at one another in delight. One even gets his kiss, and ran to the back for another. Pig, Elsa thought.
Elsa watches this girl, who looks positively ill from her white pale skin, like veal, Elsa thought, she’s probably never seen the sun. Nevertheless, she was beautiful. Beautiful in that unrealistic, unattainable sense and Elsa was quite fascinated by watching her clean and cook all day for those seven little men that disrespected her on their way out. Elsa watched as she baked several little pies and sang to the animals, probably through boredom and lack of intellectual stimulation. Why didn’t she just hop along to work with the seven little men to earn her keep? Why was she imprisoned as their slave? Elsa pondered.
Elsa watched as the weeks went by, witnessing the same dull routine day after day after day after day. Elsa watched as the girl grew tired of the whole charade, and caught her day dreaming out of her window, as if she was planning an escape.
Then, one seemingly ordinary day, a really obvious evil witch was lurking by the cottage. She was hooded and cloaked in black. Elsa could even see the crooked and warted nose from all those miles away.
“Don’t let her in, don’t let her in”, Elsa muttered as she watched the witch approach and knock on the door, when – “oh for christ’s sake, you stupid bitch!” Elsa huffed, peering behind her curtain.
Snow White had let the witch in.
Enraged, Elsa paced up and down her window. What a stupid girl, she doesn’t need my help, she thought. She got herself into this mess, she can get herself out of it.
But watching at her window, Elsa saw no stir. There were no baking of pies and singing with deers. There was no dancing, no washing, and no dusting. Strangely, the front door remained open after that witchy woman left, and Elsa thought this was bizarre. Before she could even talk herself out of it, Elsa had taken off her slippers, put on her coat, and strapped into her snowboard. Time to meet this bimbo.
Elsa arrived shortly at the scene, gliding and flipping through the air from the snowy mountains through the aid of her snowboard 4,000 eXTreme (Slim lined, for Princess feet). Thankfully though, she’d packed her trainers for the remaining grassy dew where the cottage lay so she decided to jog the remaining few miles.
Suddenly, a wolf began to stalk her through the forest but Elsa, with one sharp turn and raise of an eyebrow, smacked it straight in the face with her snowboard, knocking it senseless until those little tiny stars spun around its head.
“Not this fairytale, mate”, she laughed, pinning back the fallen strand of her hair out of her face and behind her ear. No other animals fucked with her from then on.
She eventually swaggered up to the cottage. It was much smaller than she anticipated, how on earth eight people lived here she had no idea. She looked back at the mountains where she could see her ice palace, clear as day, towering enormously. How Snow White didn’t see her staring every damn day was another wonder, but nevertheless Elsa barged her way through the (still) open door and discovered Little Miss Snow Idiot sprawled across the floor.
Bloody excellent, Elsa thought. Then, she heard the familiar ‘hi ho, hi ho,’ of those several annoying men returning out of the woods from work. Oh fuck, she thought, they’re going to think I murdered their little snow princess. But Elsa didn’t hide. Instead she waited for them at the door, radiating confidence.
“Who the hell are you?” one of them snarled, when they eventually got there.
“Who the hell – Grumpy? Is that your actual name?” Elsa frowned in disbelief at his hat and frowning face.
“Well.. Anyway,” Elsa got to the point, “the girl who lives here is unconscious. I saw the door open, I live in that palace just there you see..”
“SNOW WHITE IS DEAD?!” The one with the Dopey hat squealed.
“Quick, quick, let me through!” Another hurried by with glasses, “Doc” scrawled across his badge and hat.
“Oh my, yes” he murmured sadly, “…Yes.. Oh.. Well… Yes. She’s.. She’s gone. Our Snow is quite gone.”
The seven men then huddled round, removing their hats slowly and beginning to sway to and fro to a sad song the birds were whistling in her memory. Have the birds rehearsed this? Elsa thought, frowning at them in amazement as three perched on the windowsill, whistling with their wings gesturing and outstretched. The fatter blue female bird impressively took the high-pitched harmony, barging her plump breast and pouty beak upstage, it was clear this was her big break in the lime light. While she delicately collapsed one wing to her birdy brow, the other clasped her heart, and her legs simultaneously kicked forwards into the air. For a minute, she held the high-note and suspended mid-float in this position until the song abruptly ended, and she fell back in line with the chorus, the birds all hugging one another through their little tweeting tears. A moment’s silence fell upon the now growing mass of animals, the performance presumably raking in the viewers and bringing the attention of the whole acre wood. Yet, the little men silently stared down at Snow White, who was still quite disheveled indecently upon the kitchen floor throughout this whole scene. Then, even strangely, they all began catching their singular droplets of tears on their fingers and letting it run and fall to the floor. Elsa began backing out of the door, so done with the weirdness of this little cottage.
But then, “Hang on a minute!” Elsa interrupted, turning back, “There’s no stab wound or any other obvious grievous bodily harm. I think she was just cursed. It looked like some evil witch just came along with the most perfect apple I’ve ever seen in my life and-”
“Well she’s been poisoned then, dumb ass bitch… Cursed, hah! Go bother someone else’s kitchen and leave us men alone.” Grumpy snarled at her again.
“Excuse ME”, Elsa grabbed him by the collar, lifting him several feet off the ground, “That is NO way to speak to someone… Say ONE MORE word to me like that and that won’t be the last bloody funeral song the birds will have to sing today… Why, I have EVERY mind to-”
“Please, he’s sorry!” Happy begged, whilst Grumpy cowardly quivered a nod and Elsa dropped him to the floor. Typical, she thought.
“Right,” she then announced, shaking it off and taking charge, “put her on this table.”
“We already have a glass coff-”
“Sod the coffin. Put her on the table.”
The dwarfs did as they were told and placed Snow White delicately on the table, surrounded by roses and flowers. Elsa listened carefully to her chest.
“What is she doing?” Sleepy whispered to Happy,
“Saving her!” he replied, inappropriately jumping with glee.
“Right, no. She’s not dead. I can hear her breathing. I told y’all she was cursed. I know just the people who can help. Be back in five.” Elsa left, whilst all the dwarfs lay blankets and kept Snow warm.
“What are we gonna do about dinner?” Dopey asked suddenly.
“We’ll get a-a-a…a-a-a… chh-ch–ch-ch-chchch-chhhiine-chines-chins-chhhhineASE!” Sneezy suggested.
By the time sneezy got his sentence out, Elsa returned with these little troll men who gathered around Snow White and murmured in voodoo chants. Eventually, the main troll rose,
“She will resurrect!” He announced, dramatically, “At the touch of true love or true love’s first kiss.”
“Oh you gotta be kidding me! You say that every damn time!” Elsa stormed, ice pricking at her finger tips. “Besides, she doesn’t even HAVE a true love. I’ve not seen one fella around these woods, not one!”
“You are thinking too literal, Elsa,” the head troll winked, as he hopped off the bench and scuttled away with his little troll family, wolf-whistling at Elsa on the way out.
“Wow. I’m so sick of little men being rude to me today.” Elsa huffed.
Hours upon hours, the seven dwarves and Elsa paced.
“Right, fuck it. It’s gotta be worth a try, right?” Elsa announced suddenly. Before the dwarves could even ask, Elsa rushed to the table, bent over Snow White, and began to give her CPR.
Slowly, Snow White began to rose, stretching and holding her head.
“Hungover?” Elsa joked, but Snow White simply titled her head, confused and dazed.
“You’re… but.. you’re not.. Where’s Prince Charming?” Snow White gazed around, “this soooo isn’t right,” she frowned, gathering her thoughts.
“This lady saved your life,” the little dwarfs danced with glee, but Snow White scowled and scoffed, her eyes eventually focussing on Elsa.
“It was supposed to be Prince Charming! Where is he? He was supposed to come and kiss me, fall in love with me, and take me away to his totally amazing huge palace… What the HELL is this? A joke? Does it look like I’m laughing? Did she like… kiss me? EW. I was like, I could leave these…..I was gonna…I was gonna live in a PALACE!” Snow White raged into a tantrum.
“Prince CHARMING?! That’s actually his name?! What is this place!” Elsa cackled into a laugh again, “suit yourself, I’ll let you die next time!”
“Yes! That’s his name! This isn’t fair, who even are you? Leave him alone, we love each other!”
“How many times have you met Mr Charming may I ask? I haven’t seen him around…” Elsa asked,
“ONCE!” She roared further, “Please, bitch, he was NEVER coming for you! Oh my god, best thing I’ve EVER heard!”
After what seemed like a happily ever after full of bickering (and laughing), Elsa apologised.
“Listen, I get it. You’re not happy you have to stay here anymore and cook and clean and all that. If you really want, you can come and live with me, in the ice palace there – do you see it? And you can do what you want. I do feel kind of guilty… So you can stay with me and go and meet all the Prince Charming’s you please. Get a job. Whatever. We can go on ski tour. How do you like it? It’s still a palace I suppose and I could do with having someone to talk to sometimes.”
“Well… I have always wanted my own job…” Snow White pondered, halting her tears, “OK! I’ll do it! I’ll go! …FUCK IT!” She blurted out and then covered her mouth, a consequential habit from years of repressive princess etiquette and delicacy. She was finally liberated from this madness.
Gobsmacked, the seven dwarves watched as Snow White hopped off the table and left the cosy cottage via snow board. Linking arm and arm at first, the women waved crude hand gestures towards the men, laughing and disappearing into sight. Alone, hungry and incapable of looking after themselves, they tried searching for another unwanted princess to enslave, but the word of Snow White and Elsa got out. Women were getting real jobs now.
“They’ll be wanting to vote next”, Doc sighed.
“I guess it’s time to get a dish washer…” Bashful mumbled.
Snow White and Elsa lived together happily ever after. Rumours spread that they began a lesbian relationship, but this still is uncertain. Nevertheless, they lived independently. Snow White opened and worked in her own cake shop (Snow’s Sprinkles) and Elsa continued being bad ass in the snow, winning the world snowboarding championship (blindfolded) three years in a row. They never bore any children and they lived as happy as could be, just the two spinsters, free from a life of enslavement and misery.